Refuse to remain silent

‘You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.’ – Anne Lamott

This is the thing about the cycle of abuse – it relies on the silence of the abused. Unfortunately, I’ve found myself thrown into a cycle of abuse this last year. I’ve remained silent out of fear and out of respect because I’m not the only one in the cycle (but I got permission to write). I wrote about it through Facebook in December but I’ve decided to share it more publicly. To break my silence.

This is the thing about abuse, it comes in all shapes and sizes. A person can be physically, emotionally, verbally and/or sexually abusive. The cycle of abuse I find myself in is one of emotional and verbal. This is an old cycle and I’m the new player.

This is how my cycle of abuse plays out. Monday, the abuser throws a threat or derogatory term our way. Tuesday, the abuser tries to engage us in small talk pretending that the previous verbal assault never occurred. Or Friday, the abuser over steps boundaries and violates our space, we defend our space and re-establish our boundaries. Abuser responds with full on fury and insults. On Sunday, the abuser pretends exchange never happens and mocks boundaries.

I think my particular abuser  struggles to live outside his own ego. Instead of seeing boundaries and civil exchanges as productive, he seems to feel threatened by them. The best response to my abuser is to continue to establish the boundaries and to not engage him.

He hides behind hyper-masculinity. His identity is strongly tied to a sense that he is physically bigger and stronger than those around him.

Sometimes, I wonder if he feels threatened by me because my masculinity isn’t rooted in something so fragile as the physical self. My masculinity is an essence.

My abuser has called me she/he and he has even implied that my mere existence was child abuse.

What’s hard about abuse is seeing it as abuse… realizing you’re in the cycle. Realizing that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Taking the responsibility and the pressure of the abuse off of your shoulders and back onto the abusers.

As I said, this was an old cycle of abuse and I’m not alone in being abused. My companion takes most of the verbal punches. However, I’ve watched her grow and sprout wings as she prepares to lift herself out. She has stood firmer and stronger in her boundaries. She has become braver than I’ve ever seen anyone become in a few short years.

I write all this to say, you aren’t alone. If this sounds familiar to you, you are being abused and it is not okay. You do not deserve it. No matter how normal the person acts after the attacks – they are not okay. It is not normal to be treated that way. They are damaged and are seeking to damage you. If you can, walk away from them and get out. If you can’t, set up the strongest boundaries. Find support. Find those who can help you. Find those who will hear you and celebrate you.